wow. apparently i struck a chord with some "anti-AAers." oh well... to each their own.
it's been a while since i've written because i have had some crazy, horrific trauma. as not to allow these "anti-AAers" to feel comfort in what i'm about to say... Pup had a relapse. no, not relapse. he used - plain & simple.
all of what i was worried about came crashing down in a fury of lies, aches, & strain. he was using Oxycontin again and this time it worsened into IV usage. i had my "gut-feelings," like what i was speaking about earlier... and evidently, they were "right on the money," as Pup put it. i followed the ambulance to the ER after i'd found out what was going on. he ended up getting an infection. not just any infection, but necrotizing fasciitis. they admitted him into the hospital and performed emergency surgery the Saturday before Christmas. from his forearm on up to about his armpit, he is completely "skinned" all the way to the muscle. eerie and upsetting, i was at a loss on what to do. he was intabated and placed on sedation & pain meds for the last two weeks so i've yet to talk to him. i visited him everyday the first week i think for myself. i made sure to talk to my sponsor and others in the program and in the Al-Anon fellowship, so i wouldn't go crazy. i'm so used to talking to Pup every night before i went to bed. the least of my worries, i let it all go and gave it to God. don't worry - i also made sure to hit my meetings (along with my second ever Al-Anon meeting) . good stuff.
the only fear i suppose i have is that this won't be enough for him to want to quit. he's the only one that can make the decision to stop using and turn his will & life over to God. just HIM. i would love to be able to wave a sobriety wand over the top of his head and make all of this hurt and pain disappear... but i know this is necessary. sometimes the pain we feel helps to open our eyes and hearts. sometimes we take over again and the pain isn't enough for some. i just hope this is it. because he's been healthy, happy, and sober before... i know it's possible. but only if he wants it and is willing. by God's Grace, he's made it this far without dying. he's not invincible and eventually this disease will kill him. i hope he finds his peace and serenity again for good.
the skin graft surgery started at 2 pm today. i prayed and have been praying a lot about everything. not just for Pup or the procedures, but for God's Will. i have been praying for Pup to finally see the light, but i know if he doesn't... then it's time for us to go our separate ways.
one day at a time, right? sometimes it's so damn difficult! but with God - all things are possible.
