good afternoon. this is my first ever blog. i'd never really gotten into blogging until i discovered it might be a great way to get to know others in a 12-step program who are also codependent!
yes, that's me. i'm a 27 year old female. alcoholic. addict. enabler. how do these labels mesh so well together? genetics? chance?
well, whatever the reason, it is a part of who i am.
i am coming up on 3 years of sobriety in march. all the steps to get there have been taken one day at a time, mind you. i couldn't be happier! my life is just so much better than what it was when i was out there using and drinking... yet life is still life and sometimes i wait for a fluffy bunny and rainbow to take me back to that "pink cloud" where i resided in the beginning of my recovery. i love sobriety and love the 12 step fellowship i am involved in yet now i realize i may need to hit another. one that revolves around codependency.
i met pup 3 years ago in the rooms and rather enjoyed his company. we had met through a mutual friend who i was dating at the time. i was only 4 months sober when i started dating bonehead but thought it was a way to fill that void i was feeling. after being lied to and deceived numerous times, bonehead was history. pup and i continued to be friends until it evolved into something more (it was beginning to materialize while i was still with bonehead, but i did nothing with the feelings as i was not the cheating type, unlike my then-counterpart). i believe God introduced pup and i the way we were supposed to be introduced. nice and slow. i quickly fell in love with this reserved, charming, and handsome man and he fell in love with me in return. fast forward a year and a half. our relationship is going rather well for two recovering addicts (it is possible to have a healthy relationship with God in the #1 spot).
then it happens. he goes back out. relapses. i'm crushed and anxious. angry and hurt. yet still relieved it wasn't me. now what do we do?
even during his relapse, he'd stayed in the rooms and continued going to meetings and talking to others which is why i think he made it back in one piece. but this disease is the only disease that tells you that you don't have one. frightening.
he's been sober for 5 months now and i'm still a mess. if i don't hear from him for an evening, my mind replays and reverts back to that "night" that he called me and confessed everything (which is a good thing, mind you. he told on his addiction). i'm paranoid and it's slowly pushing him away.
he's compassionate and patient with me even though i know he hates reliving the past as i continuously bring it up when something like that (mentioned above) happens. weeks can go by, months, even. then WHAM! i remember the horror i felt, the pit in my stomach, my heart racing.
Let Go & Let God... this is still something i struggle with daily. i'm sure i'm not alone?
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