we call them "leads" round these parts, but they're really just the sharing of our stories to others in the program(s).
Pup & i were asked to lead. together. for the first time. ever.
boy, was i nervous & anxious & scared &... ultimately just a bunch of fear all rolled into one blob.
since i last wrote, nothing has really "happened." i say this because my grandmother used to say that No news is Good news & i'll take no news over bad any day.
le'ts just catch up: Pup is still in recovery & still working THE program. i'm still active in Al-Anon & AA, respectively. our families & friends are all doing well. work is...well, work. so all-in-all, it's been rather smooth sailing from nearly a year ago. we've talked about the holidays ahead of time & are actually making plans...that in itself is a miracle!
in October, Pup was asked to give his first "share/lead/speech" since being sober for nearly 11 months again. it was, to say the least, the most honest & compelling story i'd ever heard. i was so proud of him. he completely stepped out of the way & let the Big Man Above do the talking. all i can say is WOW...that man will truly help people if he continues on this path of recovery.
to say that i've completely forgotten about the Hell that was his relapse would be a lie. but i have gotten healthier & continue to give it away every day (and every time i think about it, for that matter). healing takes time & i've since given myself that opportunity; instead of beating myself up for still feeling angry, hopeless, & scared. we have our good days & bad days...just like anyone else in recovery that's working a program. no one said it was to be easy...just that it would get better. and thank the Lord for that. i look forward to the day where i no longer feel anxiety when a holiday rolls around, assuming he'll "mess this one up again" & i know it will come in due time. patience is truly a virtue, but i'll never ask Him for patience. i'll just continue to ask for His guidance with whatever happens in my life & step out of the way. harder than it seems, of course, but i am slowly getting it.
that's what i did at our "dual lead." i got out of the way & let Him take over. i'm told He did rather well, under the stressful circumstances! (kidding) but really, my mind drew a blank when asked to replay what was said when i was asked. i remember bits & pieces, sure, but really don't remember what it was i said that may have been impacting or, God forbid, completely insane. i suppose that's what happens when you give it away to the Lord and let Him step in & speak through you. it was at that moment when i reminded myself that whatever happened was supposed to happen that i felt utterly relaxed. refreshed. & truly grateful.
of course, Pup did an amazing job & totally took people with him through the Hell he'd experienced in very gentle & elegant way. he's good like that. nothing horrid or unnerving, just straight-forward & to the point. much of what i love about him is his ability to really keep everything as simple as possible. his laid-back attitude & serenity shine through, especially when he's talking to others & sharing his story. of course, he'll tell you differently, but if he could really see what i see when he speaks, he'd be enthralled.
he says the same about me, so i suppose we may just be meant to be. imagine that.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
the after-math
i had forgotten what it feels like just to write...
it's been so long since i've been on here that i almost forgot i had a blog. My apologies to those still following (all two of you haha).
well, let's get to it then, shall we? since the topics have basically been about my co-dependency regarding Pup, let me just re-cap the past couple months...
January:
New Year's Eve & day was spent without Pup (well, unless you count his body being "there"). anger and worry continued to sweep over me as he was still in an induced coma until the 17th or so. by the time he woke up, my anger had subsided (i'd had a pretty long time to address it) and relief had set in. i continued to thank the Lord for his being alive and well, with an arm, and in the positive state of mind. i worried, still, that it was only temporary.
he was discharged from the hospital and stayed with his mother for about a week. the skin grafting they did was magnificent (clearly a work of art compared to what i'd seen earlier) but needed to heal by means of wet-to-dry dressings. uncomfortable & irritating, but necessary... so he bit the bullet (like we all had while he was under) and moved forward. we celebrated our Christmas and New Year's the week after and had the first of our many "talks." from what i could tell at the time, he wanted sobriety. for that day. and i decided that was good enough for me.
February - March:
physical therapy started with a bang. painful and unnerving, he also pushed through 4 times a week for a few months. at this time, things were starting to get back to normal at home and i think it bothered him (and me, to tell you the truth). his father stopped calling every day, his mother and i rarely exchanged phone conversations unless she was calling for something she needed. the only one who continued to call & check up on him was his older brother. thank God for that man & his wife. they are truly angels and i couldn't have made it through without them.
i suppose because i come from such a close-knit family, i almost expected them to be there when i'm in need. (careful - expectations are resentments in disguise, so i'm told). that's how we've always done it. when i see another family that doesn't follow suit, i get frustrated and upset, wanting to scream, "but he's your SON! don't you care?!" after thinking about it... i suppose they had finally "had it." Pup and i have only been dating for 2+ years... they'd been dealing with his addiction for 15. they had every right to detach and i started to commend them for their courage & ability to "love from a distance."
the hours turned to days. the days turned to weeks. i continued with my meetings (AA & Al-Anon) and exercising my addictive little butt off and began to feel better. i spoke to quite a few people about this situation and Pup and I had more of our "talks." as frightened as i was that the proverbial "shit could hit the fan" at any moment, i seriously learned what it was like to just Let Go.
April-May:
we celebrated our 2 year anniversary together & i celebrated my 3 years of sobriety in the same month. i thanked the Lord for Pup's safe return from Hell, and also thanked Him for keeping my head above the water. i thanked Him for helping me through the past 3 years. i thanked Him for the family & friends that had been placed in my life so carefully & strategically (as though they were meant to be there at that particular moment). and i thanked Him for the ability to use the resources in which He had so cleverly laid out for me. i had grown and was growing still... i could see it in myself. surreal.
i started to get back to life and stopped worrying about not hearing from Pup every hour on the hour (exaggeration, perhaps a bit). he started working a program again. and not his program but the program. he was constantly seeing how blessed he was on a daily basis and i was reaping the benefits. i, too, was learning more and more about myself and realizing just how much i was loved. i love these programs!
what i've learned: even when bad things happen in our life, we can look to the Lord, our friends, our family for guidance. we can tell ourselves that we're "damned" or being "punished" or we could take it all in stride and realize that we are being strengthened. we are continuously flourishing into better people. one day at a time.
amazing.
it's been so long since i've been on here that i almost forgot i had a blog. My apologies to those still following (all two of you haha).
well, let's get to it then, shall we? since the topics have basically been about my co-dependency regarding Pup, let me just re-cap the past couple months...
January:
New Year's Eve & day was spent without Pup (well, unless you count his body being "there"). anger and worry continued to sweep over me as he was still in an induced coma until the 17th or so. by the time he woke up, my anger had subsided (i'd had a pretty long time to address it) and relief had set in. i continued to thank the Lord for his being alive and well, with an arm, and in the positive state of mind. i worried, still, that it was only temporary.
he was discharged from the hospital and stayed with his mother for about a week. the skin grafting they did was magnificent (clearly a work of art compared to what i'd seen earlier) but needed to heal by means of wet-to-dry dressings. uncomfortable & irritating, but necessary... so he bit the bullet (like we all had while he was under) and moved forward. we celebrated our Christmas and New Year's the week after and had the first of our many "talks." from what i could tell at the time, he wanted sobriety. for that day. and i decided that was good enough for me.
February - March:
physical therapy started with a bang. painful and unnerving, he also pushed through 4 times a week for a few months. at this time, things were starting to get back to normal at home and i think it bothered him (and me, to tell you the truth). his father stopped calling every day, his mother and i rarely exchanged phone conversations unless she was calling for something she needed. the only one who continued to call & check up on him was his older brother. thank God for that man & his wife. they are truly angels and i couldn't have made it through without them.
i suppose because i come from such a close-knit family, i almost expected them to be there when i'm in need. (careful - expectations are resentments in disguise, so i'm told). that's how we've always done it. when i see another family that doesn't follow suit, i get frustrated and upset, wanting to scream, "but he's your SON! don't you care?!" after thinking about it... i suppose they had finally "had it." Pup and i have only been dating for 2+ years... they'd been dealing with his addiction for 15. they had every right to detach and i started to commend them for their courage & ability to "love from a distance."
the hours turned to days. the days turned to weeks. i continued with my meetings (AA & Al-Anon) and exercising my addictive little butt off and began to feel better. i spoke to quite a few people about this situation and Pup and I had more of our "talks." as frightened as i was that the proverbial "shit could hit the fan" at any moment, i seriously learned what it was like to just Let Go.
April-May:
we celebrated our 2 year anniversary together & i celebrated my 3 years of sobriety in the same month. i thanked the Lord for Pup's safe return from Hell, and also thanked Him for keeping my head above the water. i thanked Him for helping me through the past 3 years. i thanked Him for the family & friends that had been placed in my life so carefully & strategically (as though they were meant to be there at that particular moment). and i thanked Him for the ability to use the resources in which He had so cleverly laid out for me. i had grown and was growing still... i could see it in myself. surreal.
i started to get back to life and stopped worrying about not hearing from Pup every hour on the hour (exaggeration, perhaps a bit). he started working a program again. and not his program but the program. he was constantly seeing how blessed he was on a daily basis and i was reaping the benefits. i, too, was learning more and more about myself and realizing just how much i was loved. i love these programs!
what i've learned: even when bad things happen in our life, we can look to the Lord, our friends, our family for guidance. we can tell ourselves that we're "damned" or being "punished" or we could take it all in stride and realize that we are being strengthened. we are continuously flourishing into better people. one day at a time.
amazing.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
one day at a time
wow. apparently i struck a chord with some "anti-AAers." oh well... to each their own.
it's been a while since i've written because i have had some crazy, horrific trauma. as not to allow these "anti-AAers" to feel comfort in what i'm about to say... Pup had a relapse. no, not relapse. he used - plain & simple.
all of what i was worried about came crashing down in a fury of lies, aches, & strain. he was using Oxycontin again and this time it worsened into IV usage. i had my "gut-feelings," like what i was speaking about earlier... and evidently, they were "right on the money," as Pup put it. i followed the ambulance to the ER after i'd found out what was going on. he ended up getting an infection. not just any infection, but necrotizing fasciitis. they admitted him into the hospital and performed emergency surgery the Saturday before Christmas. from his forearm on up to about his armpit, he is completely "skinned" all the way to the muscle. eerie and upsetting, i was at a loss on what to do. he was intabated and placed on sedation & pain meds for the last two weeks so i've yet to talk to him. i visited him everyday the first week i think for myself. i made sure to talk to my sponsor and others in the program and in the Al-Anon fellowship, so i wouldn't go crazy. i'm so used to talking to Pup every night before i went to bed. the least of my worries, i let it all go and gave it to God. don't worry - i also made sure to hit my meetings (along with my second ever Al-Anon meeting) . good stuff.
the only fear i suppose i have is that this won't be enough for him to want to quit. he's the only one that can make the decision to stop using and turn his will & life over to God. just HIM. i would love to be able to wave a sobriety wand over the top of his head and make all of this hurt and pain disappear... but i know this is necessary. sometimes the pain we feel helps to open our eyes and hearts. sometimes we take over again and the pain isn't enough for some. i just hope this is it. because he's been healthy, happy, and sober before... i know it's possible. but only if he wants it and is willing. by God's Grace, he's made it this far without dying. he's not invincible and eventually this disease will kill him. i hope he finds his peace and serenity again for good.
the skin graft surgery started at 2 pm today. i prayed and have been praying a lot about everything. not just for Pup or the procedures, but for God's Will. i have been praying for Pup to finally see the light, but i know if he doesn't... then it's time for us to go our separate ways.
one day at a time, right? sometimes it's so damn difficult! but with God - all things are possible.
it's been a while since i've written because i have had some crazy, horrific trauma. as not to allow these "anti-AAers" to feel comfort in what i'm about to say... Pup had a relapse. no, not relapse. he used - plain & simple.
all of what i was worried about came crashing down in a fury of lies, aches, & strain. he was using Oxycontin again and this time it worsened into IV usage. i had my "gut-feelings," like what i was speaking about earlier... and evidently, they were "right on the money," as Pup put it. i followed the ambulance to the ER after i'd found out what was going on. he ended up getting an infection. not just any infection, but necrotizing fasciitis. they admitted him into the hospital and performed emergency surgery the Saturday before Christmas. from his forearm on up to about his armpit, he is completely "skinned" all the way to the muscle. eerie and upsetting, i was at a loss on what to do. he was intabated and placed on sedation & pain meds for the last two weeks so i've yet to talk to him. i visited him everyday the first week i think for myself. i made sure to talk to my sponsor and others in the program and in the Al-Anon fellowship, so i wouldn't go crazy. i'm so used to talking to Pup every night before i went to bed. the least of my worries, i let it all go and gave it to God. don't worry - i also made sure to hit my meetings (along with my second ever Al-Anon meeting) . good stuff.
the only fear i suppose i have is that this won't be enough for him to want to quit. he's the only one that can make the decision to stop using and turn his will & life over to God. just HIM. i would love to be able to wave a sobriety wand over the top of his head and make all of this hurt and pain disappear... but i know this is necessary. sometimes the pain we feel helps to open our eyes and hearts. sometimes we take over again and the pain isn't enough for some. i just hope this is it. because he's been healthy, happy, and sober before... i know it's possible. but only if he wants it and is willing. by God's Grace, he's made it this far without dying. he's not invincible and eventually this disease will kill him. i hope he finds his peace and serenity again for good.
the skin graft surgery started at 2 pm today. i prayed and have been praying a lot about everything. not just for Pup or the procedures, but for God's Will. i have been praying for Pup to finally see the light, but i know if he doesn't... then it's time for us to go our separate ways.
one day at a time, right? sometimes it's so damn difficult! but with God - all things are possible.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
dissipating co-dependent tendancies? perhaps...
in reference to the last post about my childhood... perhaps i should have added a disclaimer - i can ramble with the best of them (as though you don't already know that by now, even in our short time together!)
i just had to share that last night i actually fell asleep before hearing from pup. this is a big deal in the life of a co-dependent. i just wasn't worried. whether it's that i'm truly allowing my Higher Power to take over (i've been taking this 11th step - "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out" - and practicing it one day at a time), or that i'm just done fighting the battle i know i'll never win with my mind, it felt good to fall asleep without concern.
the funny thing about meditation is that i sometimes feel too ADD for it. (i really believe that any addict - more commonly those in recovery - has a small smidgen of attention deficit disorder in them). i can sit in a quiet, stress-free environment and still be thinking to myself, "am i meditating yet, am i meditating yet?" thus confirming to myself that i'm not.
it took the trip to paradise (Hawaii) for my cousin's wedding to create a sense of peace in me. when i am anywhere in the world and feel absolutely lost & apprehensive, i think of lying on that beach with the waves crashing in and out. i can smell the ocean, hear the surf, feel the sunlight. this is my mediation destination. pup told me he goes to the mountains and fishes when he's feeling restless & uneasy. where do you go?
i just had to share that last night i actually fell asleep before hearing from pup. this is a big deal in the life of a co-dependent. i just wasn't worried. whether it's that i'm truly allowing my Higher Power to take over (i've been taking this 11th step - "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out" - and practicing it one day at a time), or that i'm just done fighting the battle i know i'll never win with my mind, it felt good to fall asleep without concern.
the funny thing about meditation is that i sometimes feel too ADD for it. (i really believe that any addict - more commonly those in recovery - has a small smidgen of attention deficit disorder in them). i can sit in a quiet, stress-free environment and still be thinking to myself, "am i meditating yet, am i meditating yet?" thus confirming to myself that i'm not.
it took the trip to paradise (Hawaii) for my cousin's wedding to create a sense of peace in me. when i am anywhere in the world and feel absolutely lost & apprehensive, i think of lying on that beach with the waves crashing in and out. i can smell the ocean, hear the surf, feel the sunlight. this is my mediation destination. pup told me he goes to the mountains and fishes when he's feeling restless & uneasy. where do you go?
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
the beginning
i really dig this bloggin' stuff. although i haven't been on in a while, i believe that is what i enjoy about it... you only have to get on when you feel like it. no more people pleasing for me!
so, here we go with the beginning of my story.
Childhood - Ahh... who can say that they had an absolutely perfect, story-book, Ozzie & Harriet type of childhood? anyone that has is more than welcome to let me know what that was like. although i had amazing parents, a cool younger sister (who loved me dearly despite our differences), and a relatively solid upbringing... i was still different. any 12-steppers & medical miracles out there know what i'm talking about when i say "different." let's start from the beginning.
i was born in 1981 to a Romanian-American-West-Virginian (Scotch, Irish & Dutch) family all rolled into one household. imagine that, right? exciting, loving, & supportive to say the least. i was also born with a rare immune system disease that disabled me from fighting off infections. up until the age of 3 i was rather normal... nothing out of the ordinary. at the tender age of 3 1/2, my mother noticed me limping to the car after a day at preschool. normally i would have bounded over and told her of my day in descriptive detail. not that day. i'd had a sinus infection not long before that and apparently it traveled to my hip because my body couldn't fight off the infection. so the docs figured that wasn't normal and diagnosed me with a rare immune system disease. surgery was necessary and then we were off!
from 4 to about 9, i was in and out of the hospital with pneumonia (6 times in a row), chickenpox (having to be there nearly 3 months), and other infections and disorders. none of this proved to be encouraging for my anxious parents. my sister, being 3 years younger than me, stuck by my side and was always there to cheer me up with a picture she'd just colored, some candy she knew i'd enjoy, or just a hug when times got rough. my parents feared i wouldn't make it. many times i remember praying for the Lord to keep me safe until the doctors could find a cure.
at age 9, my prayers were answered. an experimental procedure only performed on animals was available to myself and another young girl with the same immune system disease. i remember signing the papers that would (or would not) save my life. i was completely putting my life in these doctors' hands. i was totally powerless and honestly, totally relieved that i didn't have to worry about it for a while. after the first procedure was performed on us, we waited. waited for our T-cell count to heighten. waited for another cold to surface and take us out. just waited. when we finally returned back to the hospital for a checkup not long after, we realized that although we weren't completely cured... we were somehow better. and so the medical miracles that became of us toured the world, recounting our experience. i, being 9 years old, was a celebrity... and totally angry about it. i would have loved to be known for something other than a disease that made me feel less than and inferior to my fellow peers. i would have loved to be a celebrity on TV or in a movie... not a medical marvel. eventually i learned to get used to the TV spots and interviews and actually became rather "cool" to some people at school. most of the friends i chose loved me for me, so i knew it wouldn't bother them. but others were cruel because that's just how some kids were.
at 13 and a few times thereafter, i tried a few stem cell procedures which didn't stick. painful and what i felt to be unnecessary at the time, i began to resent this immune system disease even more! little did i know that it would be this disease that would help me to accept the chronic, fatal disease i'd discover later on in life. even though i hated the treatments, i knew they were needed and felt completely grateful to be there to be the "guinea pig" for others in need. i loved helping others, even at a young age. who knew that this caring for others would turn into co-dependency! haha.
my drinking, drug use, and what have you didn't start until after i'd graduated from high school... but i figured i'd give a bit of background of who i was as a child. ther's so much more where this came from... but who needs a boring holiday?? :) we'll continue after we eat lots o' food. till then...
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
so, here we go with the beginning of my story.
Childhood - Ahh... who can say that they had an absolutely perfect, story-book, Ozzie & Harriet type of childhood? anyone that has is more than welcome to let me know what that was like. although i had amazing parents, a cool younger sister (who loved me dearly despite our differences), and a relatively solid upbringing... i was still different. any 12-steppers & medical miracles out there know what i'm talking about when i say "different." let's start from the beginning.
i was born in 1981 to a Romanian-American-West-Virginian (Scotch, Irish & Dutch) family all rolled into one household. imagine that, right? exciting, loving, & supportive to say the least. i was also born with a rare immune system disease that disabled me from fighting off infections. up until the age of 3 i was rather normal... nothing out of the ordinary. at the tender age of 3 1/2, my mother noticed me limping to the car after a day at preschool. normally i would have bounded over and told her of my day in descriptive detail. not that day. i'd had a sinus infection not long before that and apparently it traveled to my hip because my body couldn't fight off the infection. so the docs figured that wasn't normal and diagnosed me with a rare immune system disease. surgery was necessary and then we were off!
from 4 to about 9, i was in and out of the hospital with pneumonia (6 times in a row), chickenpox (having to be there nearly 3 months), and other infections and disorders. none of this proved to be encouraging for my anxious parents. my sister, being 3 years younger than me, stuck by my side and was always there to cheer me up with a picture she'd just colored, some candy she knew i'd enjoy, or just a hug when times got rough. my parents feared i wouldn't make it. many times i remember praying for the Lord to keep me safe until the doctors could find a cure.
at age 9, my prayers were answered. an experimental procedure only performed on animals was available to myself and another young girl with the same immune system disease. i remember signing the papers that would (or would not) save my life. i was completely putting my life in these doctors' hands. i was totally powerless and honestly, totally relieved that i didn't have to worry about it for a while. after the first procedure was performed on us, we waited. waited for our T-cell count to heighten. waited for another cold to surface and take us out. just waited. when we finally returned back to the hospital for a checkup not long after, we realized that although we weren't completely cured... we were somehow better. and so the medical miracles that became of us toured the world, recounting our experience. i, being 9 years old, was a celebrity... and totally angry about it. i would have loved to be known for something other than a disease that made me feel less than and inferior to my fellow peers. i would have loved to be a celebrity on TV or in a movie... not a medical marvel. eventually i learned to get used to the TV spots and interviews and actually became rather "cool" to some people at school. most of the friends i chose loved me for me, so i knew it wouldn't bother them. but others were cruel because that's just how some kids were.
at 13 and a few times thereafter, i tried a few stem cell procedures which didn't stick. painful and what i felt to be unnecessary at the time, i began to resent this immune system disease even more! little did i know that it would be this disease that would help me to accept the chronic, fatal disease i'd discover later on in life. even though i hated the treatments, i knew they were needed and felt completely grateful to be there to be the "guinea pig" for others in need. i loved helping others, even at a young age. who knew that this caring for others would turn into co-dependency! haha.
my drinking, drug use, and what have you didn't start until after i'd graduated from high school... but i figured i'd give a bit of background of who i was as a child. ther's so much more where this came from... but who needs a boring holiday?? :) we'll continue after we eat lots o' food. till then...
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Friday, November 14, 2008
well, my self-consciousness is telling me that i'm uninteresting, which is why i haven't yet recieved any comments or any followers as of yet. my calm and rational side explains that it's only the second day into my blog and people probably haven't stumbled upon it. i also remind myself that i'm not writing for anyone but me! :)
well pup and i had an argument two nights ago because i hadn't heard from him all night and got worried (we don't reside together). it's the reason i started this blog to begin with. i needed an outlet in which to "empty" everything, if you will. now i realize that this is a pretty cool way to get me back into the swing of writing (an absolute passion of mine) so i may eventually continue with my memoir. anyway, back to pup - today is better. everyday my anxiety about his relapsing is minimized. this is all until i find something else to worry about, of course! haha. one day at a time, man. have to keep reminding myself.
last night i gave a lead in our 12 step program... it's like a speech noting what my life was like, what happened, and what it's like today. i always love giving leads even though i still get nervous. i've been speaking for years in front of people (not about my alcoholism and addiction - but we'll get to that part of my life soon enough) but something iside of me still wriggles when i step into the "spotlight." it's a healthy feeling, i suppose. or so my sponsor tells me. it's very humbling, that's for sure... having to dish out info on what i was like when i was out there. so i figure within the next week i'll give a lead here on my blog so people get to know me. i'll start with my childhood and go from there... who's excited!?
till then all of you enjoy your weekend!
well pup and i had an argument two nights ago because i hadn't heard from him all night and got worried (we don't reside together). it's the reason i started this blog to begin with. i needed an outlet in which to "empty" everything, if you will. now i realize that this is a pretty cool way to get me back into the swing of writing (an absolute passion of mine) so i may eventually continue with my memoir. anyway, back to pup - today is better. everyday my anxiety about his relapsing is minimized. this is all until i find something else to worry about, of course! haha. one day at a time, man. have to keep reminding myself.
last night i gave a lead in our 12 step program... it's like a speech noting what my life was like, what happened, and what it's like today. i always love giving leads even though i still get nervous. i've been speaking for years in front of people (not about my alcoholism and addiction - but we'll get to that part of my life soon enough) but something iside of me still wriggles when i step into the "spotlight." it's a healthy feeling, i suppose. or so my sponsor tells me. it's very humbling, that's for sure... having to dish out info on what i was like when i was out there. so i figure within the next week i'll give a lead here on my blog so people get to know me. i'll start with my childhood and go from there... who's excited!?
till then all of you enjoy your weekend!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
let me introduce myelf
good afternoon. this is my first ever blog. i'd never really gotten into blogging until i discovered it might be a great way to get to know others in a 12-step program who are also codependent!
yes, that's me. i'm a 27 year old female. alcoholic. addict. enabler. how do these labels mesh so well together? genetics? chance?
well, whatever the reason, it is a part of who i am.
i am coming up on 3 years of sobriety in march. all the steps to get there have been taken one day at a time, mind you. i couldn't be happier! my life is just so much better than what it was when i was out there using and drinking... yet life is still life and sometimes i wait for a fluffy bunny and rainbow to take me back to that "pink cloud" where i resided in the beginning of my recovery. i love sobriety and love the 12 step fellowship i am involved in yet now i realize i may need to hit another. one that revolves around codependency.
i met pup 3 years ago in the rooms and rather enjoyed his company. we had met through a mutual friend who i was dating at the time. i was only 4 months sober when i started dating bonehead but thought it was a way to fill that void i was feeling. after being lied to and deceived numerous times, bonehead was history. pup and i continued to be friends until it evolved into something more (it was beginning to materialize while i was still with bonehead, but i did nothing with the feelings as i was not the cheating type, unlike my then-counterpart). i believe God introduced pup and i the way we were supposed to be introduced. nice and slow. i quickly fell in love with this reserved, charming, and handsome man and he fell in love with me in return. fast forward a year and a half. our relationship is going rather well for two recovering addicts (it is possible to have a healthy relationship with God in the #1 spot).
then it happens. he goes back out. relapses. i'm crushed and anxious. angry and hurt. yet still relieved it wasn't me. now what do we do?
even during his relapse, he'd stayed in the rooms and continued going to meetings and talking to others which is why i think he made it back in one piece. but this disease is the only disease that tells you that you don't have one. frightening.
he's been sober for 5 months now and i'm still a mess. if i don't hear from him for an evening, my mind replays and reverts back to that "night" that he called me and confessed everything (which is a good thing, mind you. he told on his addiction). i'm paranoid and it's slowly pushing him away.
he's compassionate and patient with me even though i know he hates reliving the past as i continuously bring it up when something like that (mentioned above) happens. weeks can go by, months, even. then WHAM! i remember the horror i felt, the pit in my stomach, my heart racing.
Let Go & Let God... this is still something i struggle with daily. i'm sure i'm not alone?
yes, that's me. i'm a 27 year old female. alcoholic. addict. enabler. how do these labels mesh so well together? genetics? chance?
well, whatever the reason, it is a part of who i am.
i am coming up on 3 years of sobriety in march. all the steps to get there have been taken one day at a time, mind you. i couldn't be happier! my life is just so much better than what it was when i was out there using and drinking... yet life is still life and sometimes i wait for a fluffy bunny and rainbow to take me back to that "pink cloud" where i resided in the beginning of my recovery. i love sobriety and love the 12 step fellowship i am involved in yet now i realize i may need to hit another. one that revolves around codependency.
i met pup 3 years ago in the rooms and rather enjoyed his company. we had met through a mutual friend who i was dating at the time. i was only 4 months sober when i started dating bonehead but thought it was a way to fill that void i was feeling. after being lied to and deceived numerous times, bonehead was history. pup and i continued to be friends until it evolved into something more (it was beginning to materialize while i was still with bonehead, but i did nothing with the feelings as i was not the cheating type, unlike my then-counterpart). i believe God introduced pup and i the way we were supposed to be introduced. nice and slow. i quickly fell in love with this reserved, charming, and handsome man and he fell in love with me in return. fast forward a year and a half. our relationship is going rather well for two recovering addicts (it is possible to have a healthy relationship with God in the #1 spot).
then it happens. he goes back out. relapses. i'm crushed and anxious. angry and hurt. yet still relieved it wasn't me. now what do we do?
even during his relapse, he'd stayed in the rooms and continued going to meetings and talking to others which is why i think he made it back in one piece. but this disease is the only disease that tells you that you don't have one. frightening.
he's been sober for 5 months now and i'm still a mess. if i don't hear from him for an evening, my mind replays and reverts back to that "night" that he called me and confessed everything (which is a good thing, mind you. he told on his addiction). i'm paranoid and it's slowly pushing him away.
he's compassionate and patient with me even though i know he hates reliving the past as i continuously bring it up when something like that (mentioned above) happens. weeks can go by, months, even. then WHAM! i remember the horror i felt, the pit in my stomach, my heart racing.
Let Go & Let God... this is still something i struggle with daily. i'm sure i'm not alone?
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